The first
thing I advise is for the P/person to know and
understand themselves, then examine the reason
and motives they have for entering the lifestyle
and do a reality check of what they expect from
it.
If you don't own and control yourself first,
then you can neither own and control another or
give that ownership and control to another.
Regards,
SGM
********************************************************************
My advice is really for both Dominants and
submissives. I wish people would start out by
being themselves and not trying to live up to
the "ideal" they perceive to be "expected" of
their chosen role within the BDSM framework.
I also advise not letting the BDSM "Lifestyle"
consume one's life. When new, immersing ones'
self in everything BDSM is to be expected;
however, there is more to life than BDSM.
Continue to enjoy every facet of your life,
don't give up all of life's other little
pleasures in order to accommodate someone else,
incorporate them into a fully rounded
relationship if a relationship is what you're
striving for.
I believe it's common for new people to want to
get as much knowledge as they possibly can, as
quickly as they can when they realize what it is
they've been feeling and that there are, in
fact, others who share their mindset. I'm not
saying this is wrong, knowledge is rarely a bad
thing, only that if you like to go to baseball
games, or the theater or even sing in your
church choir it's O.K. to continue to do those
things too. One doesn't have to give up one's
more generic pursuits in order to live the
"Lifestyle." Giving up what one loves breeds
resentment and relationships cannot flourish on
that basis until one is ready to give things up
as a display of devotion - that takes time. Grow
into it... don't be consumed by it.
Secondly I advise new people not to try to live
up to anyone else's example. One is no "better"
or "worse" because they can endure a higher
level of pain or for a longer period of time.
There is no shame in using safe-words, they're
there to help communicate until partners need no
words between them, gritting one's teeth and
failing to use them when needed doesn't make one
brave or tough, only stupid. Conversely, one is
not a better Top if one can elicit a safe-word
from a submissive. Taking them to the edge,
gauging body language, letting them back down -
then taking them up again shows far more control
and expertise.
Lastly, just because a person attends a munch
doesn't mean they are "safe." Be extremely
cautious when meeting people in ALL settings
including BDSM. Would you take someone you just
met in a singles bar home? Likely you wouldn't.
In this BDSM world there are always the
nefarious few who hang on around the edges, they
appear to be known and a part of the group but
that's not always the case, appearances can be
deceiving. Don't forget there are *gasp* Sadists
among us who don't care if you safe word from
here to kingdom come, they enjoy hurting people.
Ask around, find out if the host of the event
can vouch for the person you've met or know of
others who can, always use safe-calls/protocol
on first meetings, don't allow yourself to be
bound on a first meeting, don't rely on a
first-time "date" for a ride, have your own
wheels. There are many more don'ts that I'd be
happy to forward privately upon request... the
bottom line with all these don'ts is this - DO
be safe.
Warm Regards,
Cassy |
|
Something
which occurred with me when scene'ing with a
fairly new Dom to the lifestyle was how
important a safeword is to both parties
involved. We always hear about how important
using a safeword for a submissive is, and how
important it is for a Dom/Domme to stop and
regroup at this point. This helps to build
trust. Yet, it also helps the new Dom/Domme in
learning as well. Perhaps they haven't quite
learned to read the body language where a more
experienced Dom/Domme may have realized to slow
down a bit.
If a
sub/bottom uses a safeword, then perhaps the new Dom/Domme
will have learned to correlate a certain body language they
viewed before the safeword was used, with the need to slow
down a bit. This then gives them experience to draw from in
the future. In learning to fine tune the reading of a
submissive, they will also learn how each submissive is
different. One may have a similar body language with medium
play, yet another won't exhibit it until heavier play is
done. This then will come in handy as they venture out and
scene more, and perhaps scene with a new submissive who
might not want to safeword, as they feel it makes them or
the Dom/Domme look bad.
debbie
******************************************************************
I started as a bottom....and thank goodness I learned a
great deal in the dynamics of that relationship. Including,
but not limited to: emotional reactions, toy implications,
mental stability, financial repercussions (and yes there
are!), RESPONSIBILITIES, communication levels, personality
differences, and most important of all, the importance of
trust, dedication, loyalty and education.
Compatibility on all of these levels are a must. Because I
personally have experienced the "submissive" state I know
what each one of my subs go through at one point and time
during their duration with Me.
I still learn from My desires and needs as well. Allowing
yourself the open, non-judgmental mind is EXTREMELY
important. Every submissive is not for every Dominant nor is
every Dominant for every submissive. W/we all have our own
styles and abilities that draw another to another.
That open mind should
also allow for the CONTINUOUS education of ones self. To
strive for perfection that can never be truly obtained is
admirable, but to admit that perfection is unreachable is
perfection in itself.
EDUCATION, TOLERANCE and PATIENCE are probably the Big 3
with Me.....something I strive for every day even though I
know I am not walking on water......nor probably ever will.
I am human as we all are....
Lady DeVill
*******************************************************************
~*Advice for new Dominants*~
1. Acceptance. You don't have to understand or agree with
another's fetish(es), yet you should accept it as something
that is as equally important to them as yours are
to you.
2. Humility. One must realize and accept that they are no
better or worse than another, simply because they are male
or female, Top or bottom, new or experienced. One is simply
a different person, at a different place in the path of BDSM
knowledge. You'll never be the grand pooh bah of BDSM, so
don't act like it. When you stop learning, you stop living.
It's lonely up there on your own pedestal. Get a good grip
on that high horse you're riding, for chances are that
someone will come along and knock your ass off of it.
3. Humor. We do this because we LIKE it, correct? Because it
is something we enjoy. So take fun in it. ENJOY the
experience. Don't get your panties in a wad over every
little thing. It doesn't necessarily make you a strict
Top/bottom; Sometimes it just makes you overly dramatic and
insecure.
4. Diversity. This goes along with My acceptance entry. We
may all have many things in common, but we are all
individuals with different needs, wants, likes and dislikes.
Something Joe Schmoe may like may not be to My liking, but
as long as it is Safe Sane and Consensual, My theory is
whatever floats their boat.
5. LEARN AND GROW! Never stop learning, never stop growing,
never stop experiencing. Buy books, ask friends, watch
scenes and interactions. Not only might you learn some good
BDSM skills, you might just learn some good social skills.
6. Know your experiences and limits. I think every public
scene should have a sign that says "Don't attempt this at
home: This is being practiced by trained individuals." Just
because you have read about it or seen it done once doesn't
make you experienced in practicing the activity. ONLY
practice activities on another individual that you have
studied practiced and researched, and are aware of the
risks and complications involved. As a bottom, your partner
is literally putting their life in your hands. Treat it like
the cherished and prized possession that it is.
*****DISCLAIMER: These are only MY thoughts and
practices.*****
In Life Love and Leather,
Sir Packin
*****************************************************************
An example: One of the things discussed at the party was
specifically about maintaining control during different
kinds of play. The advice was to always keep your focus on
the bottom/sub/slave...to pay complete attention to them and
to their reactions. Including but not limited to their:
facial expressions, breathing, circulation, noises, skin
condition etc etc etc.
To thine own self be true....be honest with yourself about
who you are and what you want, be realistic about the fact
that you are only human and don't take on the unrealistic
burden of trying to be perfect. Remember that Dominance is
just as much a gift as submission is, and be choosy about
who you bestow your gift upon.
and
Ask a potential partner serious questions about their
health, medications, and physical abilities and be aware of
the risks and the adaptations that may be implicated by
them.
vegas_vixen |
